Few horror franchises can hold a flashlight to the sinister reputation of Silent Hill. The series has, over the course of games spanning every Playstation—and, for some reason, Pachinko machines—boasted some of the most disturbing imagery in the genre. From ghosts to mannequins to possible archangels there are so many creatures to regret knowing, so many beings who would love to bring you to your knees and drop the ol’ Game Over screen.
But you know what? I’m different. I can fix them. That’s right—we’re gonna be in love. Here are the most delectable of the most disgusting: the most datable monsters in Silent Hill.
Lisa (P. T.)
Silent Hills is the ghost that follows all Silent Hill fans, but Lisa is LITERALLY the ghost that followed us all through that looping hallway in Silent Hills’ would-be “playable teaser,” otherwise known as P.T. And ain’t she swell? Who doesn’t love a tall, strong gal? She towers over our Norman Reedus frame and hikes up that fun little refrigerator scare. Maybe she knows what Crossfit is.
By virtue of a spooky radio broadcast, we know Lisa’s last relationship didn’t go so well. What an honor it would be for her to open her heart to you! She deserves a good time. Plus, I think she’s got a wicked sense of humor. Going all wibbly at the window? The little spook at the bathroom door crack? Let’s give Lisa a night on the town.
I’d recommend getting to know each other over a drink before a rousing round of ax throwing, blowing off some steam and bringing you two closer together at the same time.
Missionary (Silent Hill 3)
A humanoid in Silent Hill 3? Don’t mind if I do. Silent Hill’s Church of the Order has many servants, but Missionary… Well, he’s not like other Scrapers. Dedicated to his purpose and his faith—it’s right in the name!—this devout baddie is unquestionably intriguing. He’s obviously forgiving and patient, as he theoretically serves the very Order who has tortured him. Sure, he might murder your loved one to enrage you, but he’s doing it for rusty otherworld God. I can’t say I relate but hey, who doesn’t love a little spiritual will they/won’t they? He’ll bring you into your Fleabag era.
You’ll know the Missionary really trusts you if he lets you take off that brown bag he wears. We’ve all got our little mask fantasies. Another perk? He takes commands. We love a man-ish creature who listens. Another plus: it takes focus and intelligence to dual wield weapons, so you know he’ll be handy around the house and in a bar fight.
For Missionary, why not volunteer at the creepiest church you can find and follow it up with a romantic rooftop picnic? You’ll move closer to accepting your new overlord and he’ll learn that rooftops are for more than just menace!
The Bogeyman (Silent Hill: Downpour)
Another mask—a fashionable, practical gas mask, to be exact. Who needs a face, anyway? Bogeyman is best known as Murphy Pendleton’s store-brand Pyramid Head, but hear me out: isn’t it time you choose stability over a show off? There’s something so Boy Scout-esque about a fella who brings a gas mask, a rain jacket, and a sledgehammer everywhere he goes. We love a prepared man.
His weapon, the aforementioned sledgehammer, is no dainty thing. That monstrosity looks soooo heavy. The back and shoulder strength he must have? I’m salivating. He’s the least monster-y of any of the Silent Hill monsters, so an immediate steal for anyone a little more conservative in their sexy monster appetites. What lies beneath the coat? Well, you should be so lucky.
Why not take ol’ Bogey to a flea market and hunt down some more vintage wares and weapons to add to his collection? He might be stalking Murphy, but he’ll be thinking of you.
Robbie the Rabbit (Silent Hill 3 & every Silent Hill forever)
We first meet Robbie the Rabbit at Lakeside Amusement Park in Silent Hill 3, but the fuzzy little guy has popped up absolutely everywhere ever since. Do we learn more about him? No. Is he a mascot, a stuffed animal, a literal rabbit? Beats me! (But who doesn’t love a mystery?) Why pull teeth to get your S.O. to give you a stuffed animal on your anniversary when your S.O. could be (possibly, maybe) a stuffed animal themselves?
Bold colored, soft-spoken, and he always has his eyes on you. It’s like having your own personal carnival-based Mr. Darcy. He’s an icon to all Silent Hill fans, yet manages to be deeply private. Hmmm, have you ever seen Robbie the Rabbit and Keanu Reeves in the same room? While we’re not sure what his career is, he seems dedicated to it, and that can be all too rare.
Take Robbie for a couple of games at a county fair not haunted by the manifestations of grief, guilt, or a half-born God and see if you can win HIM a prize. Maybe his gaze will shift just enough to let you know there’s a tender heart beneath those bloody bunny ears.
Nurse (all Silent Hill)
No one is putting in more work than the nurses of Silent Hill, who appear in some form or other in every game of the series. While hospitalization is a theme in arguably each game, it’s Silent Hill 2 that ultimately defines them and James’ own medically adjacent manifestations that makes them iconic. It’s 50/50 on whether you’ll find yourself cuddled up to a nurse with a mouth to kiss, but they have a feminine air and grace unmatched by any other monster or ghost.
Whether it’s the way they wrap their eerily twisted bodies in their little cardigans or the deftness with which they wield a pipe, there are charming quirks in every manifestation. Plus, we love a woman in uniform. These nurses are on their feet all day (in those heels!) in one of several versions of a terrifying hospital. It takes grit and a real devotion to the job to get through all that.
If you want to snag a nurse you’ve got to offer them the low stress, peaceful environment they simply don’t get trying to treat the myriad physical and mental illnesses in Silent Hill. Why not go straight for a romantic staycation, complete with a spa day and a couple’s massage? That’s a date worth dropping your little shiv for!
Scarlet (Silent Hill: Homecoming)
Backflipping off of the ceiling and into our hearts… Here’s Scarlet! So many limbs, so many fingers! Is touch your love language? Oh, buddy! “She’s a big, scary doll!” So you say. I say she has a very classic and romantic figure. Before she sets up her boss battle, she beheads her father (or father of a child whose death echoes her into life, I’m no scientist) and tries to behead Alex too. For some that may be a turn-off, but I love that she knows what she wants. With her pterodactyl-like shriek, we know she’s waiting for the right person to open up to and really speak her mind. Once you break down her porcelain armor, a complex woman-spider-doll awaits.
Limber and quick, she’s sure to love a night of dancing. If you’re not scared of getting personal, take Scarlet along to a Paint n’ Sip, where she can chug wine while connecting with her inner (tormented soul fragment of a) child.
Asphyxia (Silent Hill: Homecoming)
So maybe I have a thing for a being with a tortured inner child. SUE ME! Asphyxia appears in penitentiary. Fitting, as she soon imprisons our heart. With her stacked, centipede-meets-scorpion, multi-humanoid form, Asphyxia offers polyamory with way less hassle. She IS the polycule. And look at all those hands! She can attack Alex AND hold your hand AND make dinner all at once. Dreams can come true. Her confidence and comfort in her body is inspiring and seductive. If you got it, flaunt it, I say! Shawty, what that tail do? Notably, a deadly swiping motion—but still!
Never has a tandem bicycle ride been so possible, so take the chance. You’ll learn how you’ll work as a team and the park will be a nice change of pace from the flesh-tunnel Asphyxia calls home.
Valtiel (Silent Hill 3, Silent Hill: Revelation)
Valtiel may seem demonic on the outside, but is, in fact, a saint or angel of the Order. He’s a man of suffering and servitude; be sure to check out his little Metatron seals when you wrap your arms around him. He might arguably have lips to kiss AND his head vibrates. That’s enough opportunity for me. Being an angel (or, at least, servant) of the warped God, he’s bound to have some connections, right? Some perks? No doubt Valtiel is rough around the edges but once you’re special to him he’ll do anything to keep the god inside of you alive. More of an observer than an antagonist, he never gives you the full what’s what, so who can say just how powerful this babe is? Flirtation thrives in an environment of discovery.
Take Valtiel for a charming swim. It’ll let you observe him half as much as he observes you—and maybe get a little of that blood off. If things go well, who knows? Perhaps he’ll take you on a little shopping spree at a mall not made of blood and rust.
Momma (Silent Hill: Origins)
That’s right, it’s MILF hours. Momma is, first and foremost, a babe—and, secondly, a warped ghost of a memory of Travis Grady’s mother, Helen. His darkest memories of her are tied to her time at the Cedar Grove Sanitarium and while that could be a bummer I choose to see it as the perfect Manic Pixie Nightmare vibe. With her bold bell jar cage, similarly silhouetted to a ball gown, over a bandaged ensemble that screams Herve Leger, Momma is worthy eye candy in Silent Hill. Something so Lady Gaga, so MET Gala about it. Suffering in style. But she isn’t all spectacle. She sprays GAS. She has SPIKES. We love a queen who sets boundaries.
It’s bold moves all the way for this hot Momma. Drop the cash for VIP tickets to a fashion show and follow it up with a night of clubbing. Be sure to ask about ceiling hook accommodations before booking.
Pyramid Head (Silent Hill 2 and anywhere they could get away with it)
Oh yes, it’s Pyramid Head. Did you think I was better than that? Did you think I was different from all the other lusty monster lovers? You fool. A manifestation of guilt? Sure. Exists purely to punish others? Okay, I admit it. But I will not be kinkshamed and neither should you. Unless it’s BY Pyramid Head—but I digress…
Look at those big, strong arms. Look at that brand recognition. I pine, I perish. There’s no entity as determined as Pyramid Head. Who wouldn’t flock to that intensity.
With his connections to hotels and apartments, Pyramid Head is sure to love an architectural tour. If the vibes are right, follow it up with a movie that you don’t necessarily need to pay too much attention to. Feel his big, strong broodiness in the darkness and live your truth.